Controlling the Uncontrollable

For those of you that know me well, you know that I'm a planner. I like to know what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, and even next month sometimes. As a young child at bedtime, I would always ask my mother what we were going to do the next day. I always wanted to know what tomorrow would bring. As a young woman, I would tell people my plans and how things were going to work out. They kindly and wisely advised that things don't always work out how you plan it. I smartly replied that while I understood this, for me, things will go as planned. Needless to say, I've a learned a lot since then.

The most important lesson I've learned is that suffering most often comes when we try to control the uncontrollable, fix what cannot be fixed, change what cannot be changed. In short, we are unhappy when we try to resist what life throws at us.

Let me explain.

1. I used to be scared of roller coasters. I hated that feeling when your stomach "goes up". I wanted my stomach to stay where it was supposed to stay. I didn't like that free-falling feeling. I liked to control how I felt. But then my junior year in high school we had Physics Day at Six Flags Astroworld. My friends "forced" me onto this ride called Dungeon Drop which takes you 20 stories above the ground, your feet dangling in the air, and then, simply drops you. While I was screaming the entire time, even before we actually dropped, and my stomach did "go up," I exited the ride carried by my own two feet. After facing down the worst ride in the park, I could now ride anything. I finally accepted that while you are in control as to whether or not you choose to ride (even under peer pressure), you may not be in control of your body while on the ride. But that is the experience you chose when you buckled yourself in. Learning to accept what the ride offered, helped me to appreciate the joy of roller coasters. I can now ride anything, mostly.

2. A couple years ago, I needed a shot. The shot was going to help me get better, but it was going to be painful, particularly so because of the location of where the shot was to be inserted. I braced myself for the pain and the doctor inserted the needle. I felt the pain coming. It hurt, it HURT, oh I wanted to scream! But no, I told myself, accept the pain, the pain is from the shot which will cause the healing. I relaxed, the pain in this case was my ally, if not my friend. After administering the shot, the doctor remarked at what a high pain tolerance I must have to not react as she had seen grown men jerk and cry out with pain when undergoing the same treatment. While I had felt the urge to jerk quite strongly in fact, I learned that accepting pain is sometimes more pleasant than resisting it.

3. I went skiing for the first time when I was 16. Growing up in Texas didn't offer a lot of opportunities. I was a timid skier and cautious as I descended the mountain. I did not face the runs head on with my chest pointed downhill and only my hips turning side to side - the proper technique. I would instead turn my entire body, including my chest and head, sideways as I debated if descending the mountain is really what I wanted to do. I then went to college in the mountain west and took a skiing class for credit. It was in the class that I learned success in skiing comes when you face the mountain head on, when you relinquish fear and hesitation, and you simply attack the slopes. And what a difference it made! For the first time ever, I made it down a black diamond in one piece.

So what do all these stories have to do with real life?

A few months ago, there was something in my life that I wanted. I did all I could to make it happen. It was a worthy desire and I felt, for that reason alone, something positive would come of it. It didn't. I grew frustrated. Here I was, doing all I could to bring about something that was good, something I really wanted, and nothing was happening. (This scenario repeats often in my life.) Essentially, I was trying to control or force to happen something that could not be controlled or forced. No matter my determination, persistence, and hard work, there are still some things in life that cannot be changed by my will alone. In addition to being frustrated, I grew unhappy, I compared myself to others, I suffered.

But then I remembered, I just needed to let go. This is the life I signed up for. Of course there are going to be times of pain and discomfort, but isn't that wonderful? It means I'm living life, having adventures, learning and growing. When I decided to accept what was and to let go of what I could not control and attack the slope essentially, it was amazing what happened. All of a sudden, thoughts, ideas, adventures, good things, rushed into my life. So much so that I struggle to find time to keep up with all of them. Life is full.

So what if I hadn't let go? What if I had resisted the fact that I can't control everything? What if I had refused to accept the discomfort of things not working out as planned? Would I still be harboring a woe-is-me attitude, failing to see all the joy and fullness around me? I've come to discover that most suffering comes when things don't work out as we think they should. And as I've said before, sometimes that's okay.

I realize that the lessons above are mine, tailored to me in a way I need and understand. Perhaps they will not apply to everyone. But as for me, I get it. And don't worry, I'm sure I will have the pleasure of learning these things many, many, many times over.