Flying Lessons

Here are a few things I've learned from flying this year.

1. If you wear a navy suit at DFW airport, you will be mistaken for a flight attendant. The first time you are asked for directions, you will think nothing of it. The second time, you will think it's just your friendly face. The 3rd time you are asked for directions within a five minute time frame, you will realize it is just a case of mistaken identity.

2. Driving on the wrong side of a divided highway going 65 mph in the dead of night could result in death. (This may seem obvious, but I was not the only one to have done this after leaving the Abilene airport in a rental car. According to the rental car agent, three people have died doing exactly that. The 18-wheeler I passed sure didn't seem to notice anything amiss.)

3. Sitting at your gate prior to your scheduled departure time does not ensure you will hear your boarding call or make your flight. If, after missing your flight, you try to book the last flight to a neighboring city, you will find that after several delays that flight will be canceled. After spending six hours at the airport and getting nowhere, you will finally realize the only option left is to try again in the morning. (Bytheway, this has also happened to other seemingly responsible people I know. I blame small planes and the caos of Terminal B.)

4. When you finally make it to your destination after enduring scenario #3, do not overindulge in fine spirits - you will be arrested for public drunkenness. (This was not me!)

5. On a similar note to #3, a canceled flight to Lubbock may mean a late night drive to Ft. Worth. Though you may not be with your clients, you'll at least be with the Judge.

6. If you are going to forget your book on the plane, be sure to use your boarding pass as a bookmark. The American Airlines attendants will return it to you on your flight home.

7. Even though there may be seven TSA agents at your gate checking identification for a second time prior to boarding on the day after the federal government has shutdown and rid itself of all non-essentials, try to rest assured that this sporadic security measure is now standard procedure at DFW. Of course despite being informed of this, for the duration of the flight you will be considering what course of action to take when the unidentified terrorist makes his move.

8. Although you have just read a book about a girl's fear of drowning and your plane's descent into Myrtle Beach is taking you closer, Closer, and CLOSER! to the ocean below with no runway in sight, you will touch down unharmed.

9. When traveling out of Bush, keep an eye out for passengers, TSA agents, grounds crew, flight attendants, and pilots you may know. (Yes, I've known and run into at least one in each category.)

(I hope everyone's made it this far because #10 is the most important!)

10. Never, EVER, sit next to a woman who is eating chicken noodle soup prior to take-off. Said woman WILL spew/project/launch the contents of her stomach upon landing. She will take out at least seven people in three different rows. Although you are sitting next to her, you will miraculously be saved, but you will be rendered incapacitated due to approaching levels of medical shock.