Learning to Lean

I distinctly remember the first time I told someone I was an attorney. I had just flown into the Salt Lake City airport after accepting my first job and was about to start 3 weeks of new hire training. It was at the rental car counter. The agent asked,

"What brings you to town - business or pleasure?"

"Business."

"What do you do?" Pause. Hesitation.

"I'm an attorney."

Wow, that sounded weird. I held my breath. Waiting for the agent to react. Waiting for him to tell me I couldn't really be an attorney. Waiting for him to see right through me and dismiss me as a fraud.

But he didn't. Whew. Test passed.

In the weeks that followed, I continued to struggle with the questions what do you do and why are you traveling. I wished people would stop asking me. I didn't want to tell them I was an attorney. I mean an attorney is someone who knows everything about the law, who is articulate, who is outgoing, who exudes confidence and charisma. I was not those things.

I sat next to a lady on an airplane once. When she asked what I did I replied, "I'm an attorney. I know I don't look like one in my jeans. I like to travel casual." Why did I have to explain myself? Did I really expect people to think that attorneys only and always wear suits?

Slowly but surely I got comfortable telling people I was an attorney. I realized that most attorneys don't know everything. Some attorneys are actually introverts. And yes, they don't always travel in suits.

But it did take some time. The first CLE meeting I went to was after I had passed the bar but before I secured my first job. I walked into the building with trepidation wondering why I had come. I saw the sign-in table, surveyed the lecture room, and then walked right back out. I couldn't stay. I got all the way to the parking lot before I realized I was being an idiot. I was a licensed attorney. I belonged in that room like every other attorney in there.

I remember one day in law school between classes I stopped at the restroom. I remember looking at the mirror and thinking, what if I was no longer held back by fear, anxiety or self-doubt? What if I was truly free? What if we all were? How powerful would we be? How much would we accomplish?

Recently, I've felt a pull to lean in to my career. To accept who and where I am and make the most of it. I've struggled with the how and the what but the feeling is there.

I gave into these feelings, fought my anxiety, and leaned in by taking a trip to Kansas City for a legal conference this past weekend where I was surrounded by bright, successful, and well articulate men and women. While I felt more comfortable than that first CLE meeting I attended, I still felt the need to explain to one man sitting next to me that I've only been practicing for two years. Another man sat next to me and introduced himself. We started talking and I asked what he did. He was the solicitor general of Missouri. A prime example of why sometimes I wonder if I'm really in the right place.

In law school, I had three quotes I hung on my mirror to pump me up when things got tough.

1. Adidas' Impossible is Nothing quote*
2. Joshua 1:9
3. A quote by President Thomas S. Monson:

Do not pray for tasks equal to your abilities, but pray for abilities equal to your tasks. Then the performance of your task will be no miracle, but you will be the miracle.

I am by no means a miracle, but I certainly know how to pray.

Sheryl Sandberg has asked the question: What would you do if you weren't afraid?

And so I ask you. What would you do? How would you act? Who would you be?


*Adidas quote:

Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.